Jokes anyone?

Hai Biggart: We get a lot more stares when the top is down

Clare Hoard: It is a bit old, but still looks amazing.

Abby Herwood: yes..get it from here

Lahoma Beadell: The head pharmacist goes out to lunch leaving the assistant pharmacist in charge.When the head pharmacist returns from lunch he notices a man leaning against the wall.He asked the assistant what was wrong with the man leaning against the wall over there.The assistant pharmacist says,"Oh that guy.Oh yeah he came in a little while ago with a really bad cough so I sold him a laxative.He seems to be doing ok now..... I guess." The head pharmacist says,"Are you crazy?? You can't sell a laxative to someone who has a bad cough like that!?" The assistant pharmacist says "Well why not?? Look at him over there! Its working! He's too scared to cough now!!....."2 grandmas were sitting in their rocking chairs on the porch,reminicing about the good ole days.One grandma says to the other grandma..dear do y! ou remeber the minuet (dance btw)...she says darn...i cant even remember the min i screwed never mind the min i et!a flasher was going up to old ladies in a nursing home flashing...they all had big strokes.....well he went up to one last lady....poor old lady.....she couldnt reach it! Birth Control PillsAn elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills." Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?" The woman responded, "They help me sleep better." The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?" The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night." An 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, he was seen walking down the street with a ! gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the d! octor spoke to him and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" He replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'" The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."a guy goes into a bar and sits beside a big lady.he says to her boy u have a big a$$...she goes...why you.....and starts smacking him around.he goes in the mens room...fixes him self up....combs/fixes his hair.....straightens out his glasses...puts his teeth back in etc. He goes back and sits beside the same lady.He says to her....boy u got small boobs.....she says do i really...hes says yeah and i know how u can make em biger.She says how. He says you go into the ladies room,take your bra and shirt off....take a whole bunch of toilet paper and keep wiping and rubbing between your boobs...she says omg...do u think thatll really work for me/ He says why wouldnt it...it worked on your big a$$ didnt it.....mothers have a day called mothers day, f! athers have a day called fathers day so what day do Single men have? PALM DAY!!!! These 2 blonde girls drove to Disneyland.They saw a sign that said "Disneyland Left" So they went left and went back home. They found 2 blonde girls frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theatre. They went to see "Closed For The Winter"....Show more

Dionna Doyel: no one has got it right yet keep tryin

Tawny Grosskreutz: I HEAR A JOKE WHAT R THE SIMILARITIES BETWEEN MICHAEL JACKSON N AN XBOX...1. THEY BOTH USE TO BE BLACK KNOW THEY R WHITE2. THEY R BOTH MADE OUT OF PLASTIC N 3. THEY BOTH GET TURN ON BY LITTLE KIDSFUNNY ....LOL

Rubye Bonnin: She's been around the block a few times.

Shaunta Paap: What is black, white and red all over? I bet you cant get what it is who ever gets it right i will give them the best answer so good luck and no bad comments.

Sharri Scalley: uhm..it's not separated.. the 2nd one you're talking about, is the continuation.. :)

Sheron Perrez: a newspapera penguin with a rasha red haired zebraan! old picture on fire

Bryant Pillitteri: Note: I already posted this question, but I think I posted it under the wrong category, so I'm trying it here.Also, each person must only give ONE answer. Funniest answer gets the 10 points.

Sibyl Siwik: I've only got 3 more payments and it's paid off!!

Elvin Mannheimer: Why do nuns travel in groups?so that one nun makes sure the other nuns dont get nun!!! ha funny!

Sharri Scalley: an embarrassed zebra because zebras are black & white and when uembarrasseded your red it s kinda simple actually (not trying to be rude of course!)

Willie Tun: Some ones that are funny:A boy would say this as a joke to a girl: Boy: I want you... in the dark... in my room... under the covers.. to see my....... glow in the dark..... watch. Girl: Mom there's an invisible woman at the door for you.Mom: Tell her I can't see her now!Some see the glass half empty, and some see it half full. On the other hand, I just want to know who! drank my beer!Squirrels are the world's speedbumps.An old man and his wife went to the doctor for a check-up. While the man is with the doctor, the doctor askes him, "So how has life been treating you?" The old man replies,"The Lord's been good to me. Every night when I go to the bathroom, He turns the light on and when I'm finished, He turns the light off." While the old woman is with the doctor, the doctor told her what her husband said. She replied, "Damn it! The old fart's been pissing in the ice box again!"This 60 year old woman was walking along 5th Avenue when she heard a voice from above "You will live to be 100." She looked around and didn't see anyone. Again she heard "You will live to be 100." Boy, she thought to herself, that was the voice of God. I've got 40 more years to live! So off she went to the plastic surgeon. She got everything fixed from head to toe. When she left the plastic surgeon's office, she got hit by a bus,died, and went up to heaven. She said! to God "You told me I would live to be 100. I was supposed to have had! 40 more years.So how come you let the bus kill me?". God said: "I didn't recognize you"....Show more

Luana Carothers: A penguin in a blender

Irving Jordahl: A Newspaper or something that is in fact black, white and red all over.

Vickie Sterbenz: so this old couple go to the Doc to get their monthly checkup done.The hubby goes in first::"Doctor, The lord has been so good to me lately, whenever i go to the toilet he switches on the light for me""oh" the Doc says ,confused.After he's done, he calls in the wife."There is something seriously wrong with your husband, he says the Lord switches on the toilet light for him!" "Oh, that explains who's been peeing in the refrigerator"...Show more

Dorris Homola: When I get tired of her, I plan to sell her for parts.

Michelle Sohre: don't hurt the heartwho didn't hurt your heart,but hurt the heartwho hurt you heart,but how can you hurt the heartwho hurt your heart if..she sells seashellsby the seashore..wh! at do you think?..^^,...Show more

Gregg Hagge: What is the height of Flirting? What is the height of Flirting? When your love letter starts with "TO WHOMSOEVER IT MAY CONCERN". http://coolsmsjokes.blogspot.com/2007/01/naughty-t......Show more

Gus Leiby: 3 nunsthere were 3 nuns in the church 2 were crying 1 was laughing the preist walked up 2 a crying 1 and said 'why are u crying' the nun said i killed some 1 ,the priest said go drink from the holy water so he went up 2 the 2nd crying nun and said why are u crying she said' i stole a car' and he told her to drink from the holy water 2 then went up 2 the laughing nun and said why are u laughing she said' i peed in the holy water'...Show more

Warren Kotter: it is not a newspaper, because a newspaper is READ all over, not RED all over. that answer would only work if spoken. so my answer is multiracial siamese twins wearing a red double outfit.

Todd Stogner: the sad life of a penis. his girlfriends a ! c*nt and his neighbours an a*sehole.

Marvel Mcaulay: A Strawberry! Roan (horse).A nun after the Priest spilt wine all over her?

Buster Buchko: A penguin holding their breath?

Terrell Voltz: The News Paper... Get it black and white and READ all over ?????hope this helps

Frank Gazaway: I obviously picked the correct category this time! Last time I posted this, it took three days to get four answers. Keep 'em coming!

Jose Calaycay: She got rear-ended pretty good last night, might never be the same.

Maurice Breuning: She's 13 years old... but still burns rubber!

Dawn Saha: Dip your stick in and see how much lube she's got left.

Maynard Reevers: I'm taking the car into the shop. The rear-end is all banged up.

Alberto Kozub: Did you hear the one about the blonde who went to "Jokes & Riddles" filled it up asking for jokes & riddles instead of reading the jokes & riddles?

Emile Midgley: that 2nd one is very old and everyone has mastered that, but the first one, i dont even wanna try it!

! Lou Rought: see now

Francis Stickle: A battered baby in a blender...sorry I remember that one from HS.

Kizzy Hett: i will give you a hint it drinks waterand gives to people

Maryland Gareau: once i got inside i was ready to ride all night long . maybe a few friends could get inside too . it was wide so about 5 people could fit in .x DDDDDDDD

Rosella Figliola: A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. "Oh my God - hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!" "I can't jump out the window! It's raining out there!" "If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes, and jumps out the window. As he ran down the street in the pouring r! ain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the tow! n's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer."Do you always run in the nude?" one asked."Oh yes!" he replied, gasping for air. "It feels so wonderfully free!" Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home! Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?""Nope, only when it's raining!!...Show more

Esteban Faggett: A Newspapersunburned penguin